Philosophical underpinnings

There is but one fundamental question that all people must answer every single day of their existence. That question- Is my life worth living? Whether it be conscience or not, all of us answer this question daily. Conversely, everyday some of those among us consciencely conclude that their existence has cease to be worth the effort and choose for themselves an early exit. On some level one has to acknowledge their conviction, for there are surely those among us that loath their existence but lack the courage and conviction to seek the exit they so deseperately long for. There is no more fundamental question for us. It's answer is the foundation of all of our beliefs about the world and the root of all our convictions.

When I found out I was faced with recurrent cancer, I was forced to answer this question. Is my life worth suffering more chemotherapy? Is knowingly putting myself through pain for a "cure" that is still largely inconsistent worth the suffering? Is checking out now easier? I spent the better part of January pondering these questions. I fought with the weight of my own mortality. I tried to find the meaning in my existences, the truth in my situation. I cursed the gods and tried to rip the stars from the sky to spite the fates that had sent this pestilence down upon my body. Finally out of the storm a calm descended. Is this life of poison worth living? At first all I could see was horror. Side effects, pain, poison, death- this was my future. Surely this was not what life was suppose to be? Surely there was something more. As I felt the bitterness rising up from the pits of stomach I realized that the bile burning in my throat was a love of life. There were too many things I wanted too much to let my existence go gently. If cancer were going to take my life is was going to be from my bloody torn hands.

All of us that find ourselves in this predicament have to ask this question and once the question is answered there is but one way to proceed. It is a disservice to yourself to claim that you want life and then not to do everything in your power to achieve it. You are making your final moments a mockery of the very concepts you claimed to up hold if you do otherwise. The one purpose of my life is to live. Every thought, minute, breath is spent to reach this goal. What lengths would I travel to live again? I would trek to the very pits of Hell to regain my life and because I have chosen life, being willing to do anything less would make me a hypocrite.

Some people have told me as of late that I should complain more about my situation; that what I am experiencing most be worthy of some complaint. To some extent they are correct. This is the hardest thing I've ever been through. As of late I feel like my guts are being ripped out and that a truck is hitting me on an hourly basis. BUT this is my choice, I've chosen to fight with all my worth for my chance. I have chosen this trial and thus can not complain about things that are self inflicted. We have no control over what happens to us in life but we have final control over how we react to it. There is no answer to the "why me's?" of having cancer, but there are answers to the "what now's". Once we take responsibility for our reactions we are free to live again...